


Eds' Fanfic Auditions!

by WanderingBlackDragon



Series: Eds' Fanfic Misadventures! [1]
Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crossover, No pairings - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 14:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6758218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingBlackDragon/pseuds/WanderingBlackDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Eds are holding auditions for their latest fanfiction. Who will make the cut? How many times will Eddy get hurt? Will Nazz ever show up to audition? Rated T for depictions of violence, drug, alcohol and sexual references, mild sexual content and Eddy's foul mouth</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eds' Fanfic Auditions!

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome Ladies and gents to the very first fanfiction I have ever written on this site! I've been into fanfiction since I was in middle school, but never stuck with anything for too long before deleting it and starting over. After my foray with a particularly abysmal story, I was inspired to try getting back into the swing of things.
> 
> What you see here is something of a sampler of sorts, depicting what later works will entail. Please note that this particular fic will not effect anything else that I write. However, what will occur herein may or may not elude to what I actually plan to write, so please keep that in mind. Also note that this script style is not typical of my writing. However, I chose this format for the purposes of this fic theme of casting auditions.
> 
> As of chapter 1 and then chapter 2 everything the light touches is owned by their respective copyrights and I don't own a damned thing.

_**Scene opens to a blank whiteness with a yellow tint. Birds can be heard chirping off camera.** _

Eddy: [From off camera] Why'd ya put a paper over the camera, Double D?

Edd: [From off camera] I'm white balancing the camera, Eddy! In film production, it's the first thing one must do when the camera is turned on.

_**The blankness turns to a perfect white before pulling away, revealing an establishing shot of the cul-de-sac street. The camera is focused on a spot where Ed sets a table down then Eddy throws what appears to be a purple window curtain over it. The camera shifts side to side three times. The camera then zooms into an extreme close-up of Eddy's liver spots then zooms back out.  
** _

Edd: [From off camera] Camera check complete, Eddy!

Eddy: [Looks at Edd, who is behind the camera] 'Bout time! We still gotta set up the sound system!

Edd: [Walks into view from behind the camera] You mean _I_ still have to set up the sound system. Unless you intend to help me?

Eddy: Whadaya mean? You're the technician here!

Ed: I can help! I can help!

Eddy: Oh no ya' don't! Just get the cardboard for the signs!

Ed: [Running off camera] I am the sign-man!

_As Ed runs off, Kevin rides into view on his bike. He stops, seeing the Eds' setup._

Kevin: Hey, what're you dorks up to this time?

Edd: Oh, hello, Kevin! We're holding tryouts for an upcoming fanfiction.

Kevin: Wait, this ain't gonna be _another_ _Yaoi_ where you're gay, right?

Eddy: [Looking disgusted] Hell no! This one's gonna be the greatest ever! It's an alternate side parking fanfic about us kickin' ass 'n takin' names!

Edd: [Sighs] You mean Alternate Universe Crossover in the action-adventure & martial arts fantasy genre.

Eddy: Yeah, totally what I said!

Edd: Would you like to audition today, Kevin?

Kevin: What, and co-star with you dweebs? No thanks! Somebody oughtta make a fic where _I'm_ the star!

Eddy: [Grinning ear-to-ear] They already do! And they're all about you pluggin' Double D's-

Edd: Eddy, please! Stop!

 _Kevin sits on his bike glaring at Eddy before he rides off camera_.

Ed: [From off camera] I got the signs, Eddy!

_Ed jogs into view then trips and falls on the table, breaking it in half. Edd and Eddy both stare at Ed as he seems to wrestle with the curtain._

Eddy: [Slapping his hand over his face] God damn it, Ed!

Edd: [Shaking his head] This is going to be quite a day.

_**Cut to static** _

* * *

**Sunday: Canon Character** **Auditions** _**  
** _

* * *

**_Cut to title card reading "Eds' Fanfic Auditions!" in marker.  
_ **

Eddy: [From off camera] Welcome ladies'n germs to Eds Fanfic Auditions...!

_**Cut to bird's eye view of the cul-de-sac** _

Eddy: [Still off camera] Where the finest talent in fandom gather _here_ in beautiful Peach Creek County...!

_**Cut to what appears to be a photo of The Eds in front of an explosion while striking a pose; Eddy stands on the right pointing a finger-gun towards his left, Edd is on the left, making a chopping motion at his right, while Ed stands between them holding up what appears to be the top of a coat hanger which pokes from his sleeve. The explosion behind them is clearly a poorly done green-screen effect, evident by the green halos around The Eds** _

Eddy: [Yet again, off camera] ... To Co-Star in the upcoming blockbuster fanfiction of the decade!

_**Cut to establishing shot of the (rebuilt) judges' table. It's a simple table with a purple window curtain draped over it with a cardboard sign reading "Judge's" in red marker. There are three name cards on the table in front of a microphone, reading "Ed" with the D written backwards, "Double D" and "Eddy"** _

Eddy: [Still narrating] Introducin' your hosts 'n judges for the day...! Ed...!

Ed: [Saunters into view, waving his hand behind his head] Hi, mom! [He sits]

Eddy: [Is he still narrating?] ... Edd, AKA, Double D...!

_Edd walks into view and towards his seat, stopping to spray it with disinfectant before sitting down_

Eddy: [For the love of God, get on with it!] ... And last, but certainly not least! The incredible, the unforgettable, the irresistible, the most electrifyin', "Da Man with Da Plan"...! Eddy!

_Eddy's arms can be seen holding a sack of flour, which he dumps into the ground, covering everything in a cloud of flour. Edd can be heard coughing in the background. By the time the flour clears, Eddy is finally seen sitting at his seat, the table and The Eds covered head-to-toe in flour. Ed and Eddy sit with eager grins while Edd desperately tries to dust himself off._

Edd: Why must you have such elaborate entrances, Eddy?

Eddy: 'Cause, I'm the money, Double D! I gotta get the audience to pop!

_**Cut to bird's eye view of the cul-de-sac, where it can be seen The Eds are the only ones present. Crickets can be heard chirping of screen.  
** _

_**Cut back to the judges' table.** _

Eddy: So, what's on the menu today, Double D?

Edd: [Takes out a folder and opens it to read] That would be "Canon Characters", Eddy.

Ed: Oh, boy! We get to audition cannons, Double D? I hope we get to see the ultra-sonic wave blaster cannon of doom from Space Leech VII!

Edd: No, Ed. "Canon Characters" refers to characters who already established in the fandom. In this case, we're auditioning kids from our show.

Eddy: Who the hell are we gonna audition...?! [Suddenly a light bulb pops up over his head] Hey, wait! If we're auditionin' the other kids, then that means Nazz'll show up! We should _definitely_ cast her to co-star with us!

Edd: Let's not hope for miracles, Eddy.

_**Cut to static** _

 

* * *

**Audition #1: Sarah & Jimmy**

* * *

 

_**Cut to medium close-up of The Eds sitting at the judges' table** _

Eddy: Wait, what? Why're Sarah'n Jimmy here?!

Ed: My mom said I had to let her try, Eddy.

Eddy: Ugh, let's get this over with. Send'em in!

_**Scene cuts to in front of the judges' table where Sarah leads Jimmy by the hand into view. Sarah looks at The Eds expectantly while Jimmy is nervously clinging to her.** _

Edd: Hello, Sarah, Jimmy, thank you very much for-

Sarah: So, what's this fanfic about, anyway?!

Edd: Oh, well. [Pauses to read from a folder of notes] See, it's an alternate universe, crossover fanfiction delving into the action-adventure genre.

Jimmy: Action-adventure? I thought you were auditioning for a musical!

Eddy: A musical?! Who the in the blue hell would wanna read about some stupid musical!? We, The Eds, only do the most top-notch stories! Which means it's gonna involve cool stuff, like car chases, sword fights with ninjas and explosions! Definitely not for babies!

Jimmy: [Looking increasingly pale and fidgets nervously with his hands] W-W-Will there be any m-monsters?

Ed: [Excitedly stands up] Oh, yeah! There'll be lotsa monsters and stuff, like vampires, and werewolves, and demons from the depths of hell that'll be all [Ed sticks his hands into his mouth to widen in as he stomps around] RAAAAGH!! AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

_**The camera slowly zooms in on Jimmy as he stares at Ed with wide eyes, frantically biting his nails** _

Jimmy: A-A-A-And will there be a-any b-b-bl-blood?!

**_Cut back to The Eds  
_ **

Eddy: [Stands with a wicked grin] Oh, yeah, Jimmy! There's gonna be lots of blood and gore and stuff! With guys getting their heads chopped off...!

Jimmy: [From off screen] AAAAAH!

Eddy: … And rollin' around on the floor with their eyes poppin' outta the socket!

Jimmy: [From off screen] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Eddy: … And then their body explodes with guts flyin' everywhere! Trust me, it gets pretty gruesome!

_**Camera cuts to Jimmy, who faints, unable to take anymore. Thankfully Sarah is there to catch him. Eddy sits back in his chair laughing maniacally while Ed continues his monster impression, stamping around the judges' table roaring. Edd sighs and palms his face.** _

Eddy: So, yeah. I don't think you got the sto-

_**Before Eddy can finish, a tricycle zooms into the picture and clocks Eddy over the head, knocking him down and out of frame. The camera pans to Sarah who is still holding an unconscious Jimmy in her other arm whilst shaking her free fist at Eddy.** _

Sarah: Who'd wanna be in this stupid fanfic with you assholes anyway?!

Edd: [Gasps] Goodness, Sarah! Such language!

Sarah: GO BLOW IT OUT YER ASS, SOCKHEAD!

_**Sarah storms off, slinging Jimmy over her shoulder. The camera pans back to the judges' table where Eddy's legs can still be seen poking up from his spot and Ed approach the camera, still having his mouth widened.** _

Ed: Raaaaaawr! I am the kraken of the deep!

_**Ed grabs the camera and opens his mouth as wide as he can** _

Edd: [From of camera] ED! NO, STOP! NOT AGAIN!

_**Ed proceeds to swallow the camera whole, giving a first-person view of his esophagus before the camera splashes into his stomach acid. Cut to static** _

 

**Audition #2: Kevin**

_**Static cuts to an extreme close-up of Edd as he sets the camera back on the tripod. The picture is slightly crooked until Edd finishes adjusting it. He steps back to make sure everything is set properly before going to his seat at the judges' table.** _

Edd: Now, Ed, need I remind you yet  _ again _ of the digestive system's needless task?

Ed: It was yummy!

Edd: In hindsight, I'm surprised that camera is still in working condition. [Turns to his left] How are we feeling, Eddy?

_**Camera pans to Eddy who has a very noticeable black eye and a welt over the top of his head with an ice bag on it.** _

Eddy: I'm fine! Let's bring in the next audition!

Edd: [Reading from a folder] Next is Kevin.

Eddy: Kevin?!

_** Camera cuts to Kevin who rides into view on his bike and skids to a stop. He looks at the Eds with a sneering smirk. ** _

Eddy: The hell are you doin' here?! You said you didn't wanna co-star with us!

Kevin: Yeah, 'till I realized this fic's gonna bomb if it's just you dorks runnin' the show! If it's gonna be a hit, it needs some  _ real _ star power!

Eddy: [Holds up his hands and makes quotation gestures] “Star Power” my ass! I got more of that in my pinkie than you have in your whole body!

Kevin: Dream on, douchebag! Who'd wanna read a fanfic about you lameasses anyway? People want a hero they can get behind! Somebody with swag and charisma, like me!

Eddy: Oh please! You can't even  _ spell _ swag!

Kevin: [Hops off his bike and angrily approaches the judges' table] Oh, yeah?! I'll spell it all over yer face, dork!

_**As Kevin approaches, Eddy cowers under the table while Edd stands up and hastily throws his arms out to stop him.** _

Edd: Kevin, please! Surely you can demonstrate your talents non-violently? While combat will be a feature of this fanfiction, there  _ are _ other qualities the cast will need to survive the story's perils!

Kevin: Like what?

Edd: Er... Oh! How about you show us some stunts with your bike? Perhaps your prowess with your bike would be quite useful and entertaining to watch?

Kevin: [Steps back] Yeah, okay. Gimme a few minutes.

_**Camera cuts to a bird's eye view of the cul-de-sac where a large ramp, seemingly made up of discarded signs and plywood has been set in front at least ten yards in front of Jimmy's house in the center. In front of the ramp is a line of about six cars, which were obviously taken from the junkyard.** _

_**Cut to Kevin sitting on his bike next to the fence to Jimmy's backyard where he now sports a black leather jacket over his usual green long sleeve T-shirt, sunglasses and a red helmet with flame decals over the front. Kevin sits with his arms crossed over his chest and chews on a toothpick.** _

_**Cut to the judges' table which had been moved aside to make room for the ramp. Ed is standing up, wearing an excited grin, whilst Edd sits patiently in his seat with a first-aid kit perched in front of him, and Eddy leans over the table with his elbows plant upon it and his chin resting in his hands.** _

Eddy: This oughtta be good. [Rolls his eyes]

Edd: Eddy, can't you show  _ a little _ interest? Something like this obviously takes skill and courage to accomplish!

Eddy: Yeah, right, sockhead!  _ I _ can do this with my arms tied behind my back and blindfolded! [He gets up] I'm gonna get a soda pop. Lemme know when “Evel Knievel” over there's done bustin' his ass!

_**Cut to Kevin, who now grips the handlebars of his bike and places one foot on a pedal** _

Kevin: You  _ wish _ you had the balls for this, dorkky!

_**Cut back to the judges' table where Eddy flips Kevin the bird, which is pixelated. The camera pans to follow Eddy as he walks away from the judges' table. Not paying attention, he begins to walk in front of the ramp** _

Edd: [From off camera] Eddy, don't walk in front of the ramp!

Eddy: [Looking over his shoulder as he walks] What? I got time!

_**Cut back to Kevin who now pedals furiously on his bike, causing it to burnout on the grass. Finally letting go of the brakes, he zooms off camera.** _

_**Cut to Eddy who is still walking in front of the ramp. With neither party seeing each other, Kevin runs over Eddy, leaving him as a skid mark on the road. The hit causes Kevin to flip over and the momentum carries him up and over the ramp.** _

_**Camera cuts to Kevin airborne and pans to follow him. He flies over the assembled cars until finally descending and hitting the ground. Kevin bounce twice before skidding to a stop in a heap. His bike then lands on his back.** _

Kevin: [Groaning] Ouch, dude!

_**Cut to the judges' table where Ed stands about smiling while Edd winces as he watches, covering his mouth.** _

Edd: Oh, dear! Well, I'd better-

_**Cut to Kevin whose bike explodes, cutting the camera to static** _

_**Cut to the judges' table where Edd's expression turns from shared pain to horrified. He grabs the first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher from under the table then rushes off camera.** _

Ed: Cool trick, Kevin! Hey, Eddy! We should have Kevin in the fic 'cause he can make his bike explode!

_**Cut to Eddy who is still laying flattened in the street.** _

Eddy: I'm hurt now!

 

* * *

 

**Audition #3: Jonny 2X4**

_** Cut to a wide shot of the judges' table, which has been set back in the middle of the cul-de-sac, the ramp for Kevin's stunt having been dismantled and discarded. While Ed attempts to count his teeth with his tongue and Eddy sits in his chair sporting several brushes and a skid mark running up the middle of his face, Edd busily reads the folder for the next audition. ** _

Edd: [Looking up from the folder] Next is Jonny two-by-four.

_**Cut to in front of the table where the spot is currently empty. Until a shadow spawns on the ground. Suddenly, a blur lands in the shot with his back turned to the camera. He lands in a low stance before straightening to stand and wheels around to face the judges. The figure is obviously Jonny, now donning his Captain Melonhead regalia and carries Plank who is attached to the mop end of a mop.** _

Melonhead: [Strikes a pose by thrusting a peace sign at The Eds] Have no fear! For Captain Melonhead is here! With Splinter, the wonder wood!

_**Cut to the judges' table where The Eds clap** _

Ed: Cool entrance!

Edd: [Looking at the folder] Yes, very impressive, indeed! 

Eddy: [Stops mid clap then blinks] What the...?! What's Melonhead doin' here?! Where's Jonny?!

_ Edd Looks between Eddy then Melonhead and cups his chin as if pondering something. _

_**Cut to Melonhead who stares at the Eds with wide eyes, as if having been caught. Before he can said anything, he cocks his head towards "Splinter", as if the hunk of wood is whispering something into his ear.** _

Melonhead: Oh, Splinter said that Jonny'n Plank couldn't make today! Got the runs from some expired tofu, so they asked us to take their place! [Laughes nervously, sweat raining from under his melon helmet]

_**Cut back to the judges' table. While Edd continues to appraise Melonhead and Splinter, Ed nods appreciatively and Eddy waves it off. Edd suddenly perks up and blinks at the duo, looking as though he had just realized something. Edd then glances at Ed then Eddy before straightening his fold and clearing his throat to compose himself.** _

Edd: In that case, thank you joining us, Jo-Er, _Melonhead_. Now, I'm sure you're aware of the nature of his fanfiction? After all, being an action-adventure genre, it  _ will _ be quite dangerous.

Melonhead: Not to worry, Double D! Danger's our middle names! Every morning, me' Splinter practice our parkour in the woods, swingin' over waterfalls and ditches and stuff, and afterward we wrastle with bears to perfect our fighting maneuvers!

Eddy: Yeah, great! But, what can  _ you _ add to the group dynamics here? After all, Ed's the strong guy'n comic relief, Double D's the brains, and I'm the fearless, charismatic smooth operator leader!

Melonhead: [Puts his head against Plank for a moment then looks at Eddy with a humorous grin] Splinter said you're about as smooth as a porcupine, Eddy!

Edd: Well, “Splinter”, here, can certainly fill the role of the wise-cracking sidekicks, wouldn't you say, Eddy?

Eddy: [Rolls his eyes] While we're at it, why don't we add firewood to the resume?!

Edd: Eddy, don't threaten the auditions!

Eddy: Alright, alright! Anyway, this fic's gonna involve lotsa fightin'. So, can you fight?

Melonhead: Sure I can! Can  _ you _ ?

Eddy: Course _I_ can! Why I'm the best fighter in the whole cul-de-sac! I was trained by my brother in the art'o Whupass!

Ed: Oh, really, Eddy! Your brother's so cool!

Eddy: [Leans back into his chair and throws his feet up on the table] Yeah, he's a grandmaster who trained under Chuck Norris himself!

_**Cut to Melonhead who rolls his eyes under his melon-helmet** _

_**Cut back to the judge's table where Edd looks at Eddy in disgust then sprays disinfectant on Eddy's sneakers and wipes them clean.** _

Edd: Really, Eddy? Then care to explain why you've yet to win a fight throughout your entire life?

Eddy: [Looking at Edd, clearly annoyed] Yeah? Well, at least I didn't get my ass kicked by Jimmy, of all people!

_**Pan to Edd who rolls his eyes in a huff then looks back at Melonhead.** _

Edd: Moving on. Would you care to show a demonstration of your skills?

Melonhead: What for? You guys've already seen me fight. I beat up evildoers lots of times!

Eddy: Whadaya mean? Name one time you kicked somebody's ass!

Melonhead: [Looking confused] So, you mean besides yours, or....?

Eddy: [Looking shocked, he glances around the table then at Jonny].... That was a fluke! I can kick your ass any day of the week!

Melonhead: Oh yeah?

Eddy: Yeah! Why don'tcha make like a tree'n split before I demonstrate my “Ass-whuppin'” stance?!

Melonhead: Yeah? How about I demonstrate my newest maneuver?

_**Cut to Melonhead running at the judges' table. He sets down "Splinter" then jumps, flips, grabs Eddy by the head in midair then twists. When he lands on his back, Melonhead rolls while flinging Eddy into a sign post with a Monkey Flip. While rolling to his feet, Jonny begins to backspring towards Eddy who picks himself up and catches his head between his legs. Melonhead then pushes himself off the ground and twists, using the momentum to throw Eddy crashing over the judge's table with a Hurricarana.** _

_**Jonny kip-ups back to his feet and takes a bow.** _

_**Cut to judges' table where Ed claps and Edd looks over Eddy who is now laying sprawled over the judges' table, whose decoration has been all but pulled off. Only his legs can be seen sticking straight up.** _

Edd: [Shaking his head] You just _had_ to provoke him, didn't you, Eddy? [Turns to Melonhead] Well, thank you for that, Captain Melonhead, we'll be in touch. Now, if you'll excuse me, after I to tend to Eddy's injuries, _again_ , I'll need to fix our table for the next audition.

 

**Audtion #4: Rolf**

_**Cut to establishing shot of the judges' table. Edd has pulled the curtain back over the table and busily retapes the “Judges” sign back to the table itself. Meanwhile, Eddy walks into the picture, now sporting a neck-brace and another black eye. Ed giggles to himself as he watches Eddy.** _

Eddy: [Glaring at Ed] What's so funny, monobrow?!

Ed: Haha! You look like a Racoon, Eddy!

Eddy: [Sitting down] How's about you shut it before I bite you'n give ya rabies?

Edd: [Moving to sit down with the other Eds] Now, now, Eddy. Let's not discard our sense of civilization, shall we?

Eddy: Whatever! Who's up next? Is it Nazz? I hope it's Nazz.

Edd: [Reading the folder] Actually, it's Rolf, Eddy.

Eddy: Stretch, huh? Oh, well. Send'em in!

_**Cut to in front of the judges' table where Rolf strides in on his goat, Victor. He is dressed in his cured leather dueling outfit and sits on Victor's back with a proud smile and his fists resting on his sides. As Victor stops, Rolf hops off Victor's back, all the while keeping his posture.** _

_**Cut to medium shot of the judges table and Rolf from the side. Ed watches with cheerful grin while Edd and Eddy look at Rolf expectantly. Several moments pass in silence until Eddy finally speaks.** _

Eddy: Well?

_**Cut to medium close-up of Rolf who continues to stare at the Eds, smirking.** _

_**Cut to the judges' table while Edd and Eddy glance at each other before looking back at Rolf.** _

Edd: Um... Well, Rolf, thank you for coming for the audition...

_**Cut to close-up of Rolf's face who continues to stare at the Eds.** _

_**Cut to medium close-up of Edd who looks at his folder nervously and clears his throat.** _

Edd: Um... I trust you read the brochure explaining the nature of the upcoming fanfiction? It's to be an alternate universe crossover story delving into the action-adventure and martial arts fantasy genre?

_**Cut to extreme close-up of Rolf's face. Rolf continues to hold perfectly still, not so much as blinking. A fly zooms into the shot, landing on Rolf's nose and crawls up his face.** _

Eddy: [From off camera] The hell's he doin'?! He's just standin' there like a statue!

_**Cut to judge's table where Ed's grin also holds, Edd begins to look worried while Eddy grows increasingly annoyed.** _

Edd: Um, Rolf? Are you there?

_**Cut to medium shot of Rolf and the judges' table from the side. As the two parties stare at one another in awkward silence, a tumbleweed rolls by in the background** _ .

_**Cut to medium close-up of Eddy who finally stands up, slamming his palms in the process.** _

Eddy: Forget this crap! [Cups his hands over his mouth as he inhales] NE-

_Before Eddy can finish, he is struck in the face by a rather large mackerel, which knocks him over._

_**Cut to medium shot of Rolf who pulls out another mackerel from behind his back and leaps over the camera. The camera pans over to the judge's table where Rolf stands over Eddy, beating him senseless with the mackerel. Edd looks on in shock while Ed leans over Edd, watching the beating with interest.**_ **_Eventually, Rolf steps away from Eddy, taking both fish and skips off camera._**

_**Cut to front of the judges' table where Rolf resumes his previous pose, both fish seeming to have disappeared. Without breaking this posture, Rolf hops back unto Victor's back.** _

_**Cut to the judges' table. Ed happily claps for Rolf, while Edd snaps his head between Eddy, who is laying on the ground, behind the table curtain and then to Rolf, who is off camera.** _

Edd: I don't understand... Why did you attack Eddy like that?!

_**Cut to Rolf.** _

Rolf: You are auditioning for a warrior's tale, yes?

_**Cut to Ed and Edd who both nod** _

_**Cut back to Rolf** _

Rolf: And you wished for Rolf to demonstrate his prowess as a warrior, yes?

_**Cut to Ed and Edd who nod again.** _

_**Cut back to Rolf** _

Rolf: Then Rolf has demonstrated Rolf's skill!

_**Cut to medium close-up of Edd** _

Edd: But, riding in on a goat, standing perfectly still, throwing a-I believe that was a mackerel- at Eddy and then beating him senseless with another one? I think there might have been a misunderstanding.

_**Cut back to Rolf. It can be noticed the fly on his nose is now standing on his eyeball.** _

Rolf: What misunderstanding? A warrior's backbone must be strong like the mountain, his balance unshakable as the mountain and his stillness like a marble statue! If one achieves this, they can lure their opponent into a false sense of security! And from that false sense of security, one must strike quickly and suddenly to catch the opponent off-guard! Finally, you must not show mercy until your enemy is beaten to submission, or else he will strike when you least expect it!

_**Cut to the judges' table where Edd looks more confused than stunned. Ed turns his grin on Ed.** _

Ed: He's just like the mutant venus fly trap from “I Should've Never Gone To That Botanical Garden on The Night Of The Blood Moon!” where he stands perfectly still, looking like a normal mutant flower, until its prey gets too close and then beats it senseless with its tentacle tongue before sucking its bodily fluids out from their eyeballs!

Edd: [Looking as those he is trying to keep from vomiting]Yes, thank you for that mental imagery, Ed. [Turns to Rolf] And thank  _ you _ Rolf for that...

_**Cut to over head shot of Eddy who is still laying on the ground, looking dazed, bruised and now has a stench of fish which attracts flies to him.** _

_**Cut back to Edd who looks back to Rolf, off camera.** _

Edd:... Um,  _ enlightening _ display. We'll keep in touch.

_**Cut to Rolf.** _

Rolf: Yes, Rolf shall await your call, head-in-sock Ed-boy! [The fly on his eye flies away, only for Rolf to lash out his tongue, catching it and then eats it. Victor turns and he rides back to his house.]

_**Cut to judges table where Ed looks mesmerized and Edd's face turns green in disgust.** _

Edd: Well, there goes my appetite for the day.

 

* * *

 

**Audition #5: Kankers**

_**Cut to establishing shot of the judges table where Ed is playing with a slinky, Edd reads over the folder for the last audition while Eddy sits on his seat, swatting away the occasional fly.** _

Eddy: Ugh, this whole day's been a waste of time!

Edd: Why do you say that, Eddy? I think we've had some decent auditions...

_**Cut to shot of Kevin, who is charred and bruised being carried by a stretcher which is loaded into an ambulance while Nazz follows him.** _

_**Cut to Jimmy who is sitting under a tree in the fetal position while Sarah comforts him by patting his back.** _

_**Cut back to the judges table.** _

Edd: … Aside from the occasional hiccups.

Eddy: [Swatting another fly] Are we done yet?

Edd: Not yet, Eddy, there's still one last audition.

Eddy: Ugh, this better be good! Is it Nazz this time? It better be Nazz!

Edd: It's... [Looks at the folder, then stops. His eyes widen as he peers closer into said folder before sitting straight up, his face becoming pale] Oh, no! Th-There must be some sort of mistake!

Eddy: [Looking over Edd's shoulder] What...? [Seeing what's in the folder, Eddy reels back in horror] You gotta be kiddin' me!

Edd: It's... It's....

Kanker Sisters: [From off camera] Hiya, boys!

_**Camera pans to the front of the judges' table where the Kanker Sisters who wave at the Eds.** _

_**Cut to close-up of Eddy.** _

Eddy: KANKERS!!

_**Cut to extreme close-up of Ed** _

Ed: KANKERS BAD FOR ED!!!

_**Cut to close up of Edd** _

Edd: NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD, NOT GOOD!!

_The Kankers approach the table, while the Eds are momentarily stunned with fear, only able to watch the predators approach with a deer-in-headlights look. Lee stands near the right end, leaning over Eddy, Marie sits over the edge, turning her midsection to look at Edd while May stands on the table, leering over Ed._

Lee: So, whatcha boys auditionin' for?

Eddy: N-Nothing!

Edd: It's a fo-for an upc-c-coming fanfiction....!

Marie: Oooh, fanfiction, huh? Is it lemon fic where you guys are all gay? I _love_ those!

Ed: LEMONS BURN MY EYES!!

Edd: Why no! It-It's an alternate universe fanfiction in the action-adventure, martial arts fantasy genre!

May: Action-adventure?

Lee: Martial arts fantasy! Oh, puh-lease, you wimps couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag!

Marie: Hey, Lee! Remember the time Double D got his ass kicked by that little queer kid?

May: Yeah, wasn't that the funniest thing ever?

Lee: Yeah, what a bitch! But, I love that a man that can take a pounding!

_**Cut to extreme close up of Eddy. Eddy attempts to put on a brave face, but from his constant shivering to his cascading perspiration, his facade crumbles before it can begin.** _

Eddy: Yo-You better pi-pis-piss off, Kankers!

_**Cut to medium close up of Eddy and Lee from the side, where Lee grabs Eddy's cowlicks and hoists him up to eye-level.** _

Lee: Yeah? Or what, tatter-tot?!

Eddy: Or.. Or... I'll show you my ass-whuppin' stance!

Lee: Oh, isn't that cute, girls? Little Eddy here thinks he's a badass!

_**Cut to medium close up of Edd and Marie.** _

Marie: Let's face facts, boys; you're not man enough for action-y stuff. [She leans forward and grabs Edd by the face, squeezing his cheeks] How's about something more your speed?

Edd: [While struggling to breath] Please, no!

_**Cut to medium shot of the judges' table.** _

Lee: Whadaya say girls? Femdom bondage fic?

May & Marie: Femdom bondage fic!

With Lee still holding Eddy by the cowlicks, May grabs Ed's monobrow, while Marie grabs Edd's hat. The three of them begin to drag the Eds off, cackling madly.

_**Cut to extreme close up of Edd, who desperately holds on to his hat, which allows Marie to drag him as she does.** _

Edd: Please, stop! You can't do this!

_**Cut to extreme close-up of Eddy** _

Eddy: I'M A MINOR, STOP!

_**Cut to extreme close-up of Ed** _

Ed: [Looking confused] What's Femdom bondage, guys?

_**Cut to medium close-up of the Kankers' back as they look over their shoulder at the Eds** _

May: It means we're gonna go Fifty Shades of Gray on your ass!

_**Cut back to Ed, who continues to look confused until realization dawns.** _

Ed: That's the book my mom reads.... [Suddenly his panic returns] GAAAAH!!! FIFTY SHADES OF BAD FOR ED!!!

_**Cut to overhead close up of The Eds as they continue to be dragged, fruitlessly thrashing and struggling to get free.** _

Edd: HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY!!

_**Cut to medium close-up of the Kanker's back, who look over the Eds laughing, not noticing a white buggy speeding into the cul-de-sac.** _

???: BAN-CHAN, WATCH OUT!!

_The buggy swerves as it tries to skid to a stop before the side slams into the Kankers, sending them flying off camera. Their screams could be heard from behind the camera. The Eds pick themselves up as both sides of the buggy open. On the door facing the Eds, a blonde asian man steps out._

_He just above Ed's height, sporting spikey blonde hair, though from his brown eyebrows, it's obviously dyed. He's a thin, but fit young man, perhaps twenty with brown eyes and wore a large green cargo vest over an oversized white T-Shirt, baggy green cargo shorts, green short-top boots and a pair of finger-less gloves with what appear to be metal plates over the back knuckles and wrist._

Blonde Man: Holy, crap! Are you guys okay?! I could've sworn Ban-chan hit something!

_**Cut to to medium close-up of the Eds who all exchange glances before looking at the blonde.** _

_**Cut back to medium close up of the Blonde Man. Behind on, on the other side of the buggy, another asian man steps out. He is noticeably taller than the Blonde Man, his brown hair is spiky resembling a hedgehog. He wears a pair of violet shades over his blue eyes, a plain short-sleeve white button up shirt whose hem hangs over his blue jeans, and a pair of plan brown shoes.** _

Blonde Man: [Looking at the Brunette Man] Geez, you really should pay attention to the road, Ban-Chan! You nearly ran these kids over!

Ban: Says you, Ginji! I had to both drive  _ and _ read the map, 'cause  _ you _ don't know how to read one!

Ginji: Oh, that's mean, Ban-Chan! You know I have a poor sense of direction! Though, I could've sworn you hit something....

Ban: [A vein in his temple begins to bulge] You sayin' I can't drive?!

_Suddenly Ed throws himself unto Ginji, hugging him tightly as he sobs into his shirt. Edd and Eddy soon follows suit_

Ginji: Hey, what the...?

Edd: Oh, thank the heavens for you, sir! Thank you!

Ginji: I'm not sure what's going on, but you're welcome?

Ban: [Walking around the car to stand next to Ginji] Yeah, yeah, you kids get off him. Is this... [Pauses to look at a flyer] “Rethink Avenue”?

Edd: [Letting go of Ginji and stands up] Why, yes it is.

Ginji: Oh, then we made it! See, Ban-chan! I told ya' we'd make it!

Eddy: [Also letting go of Ginji] Who're you guys anyway?

Ginji: Oh! I'm Ginji Amano, and over there's my best buddy, Ban Midou! We're here for the audition for a fanfiction?

Edd: Oh! [Pulls out his folder and begins to flip through it.] Yes, Mr. Amano and Mr. Midou...! But I'm afraid you gentlemen are a tad early. Your audition isn't scheduled until tomorrow.

Ginji: Huh?

Ban: Whadaya mean tomorrow?

Ginji: But, isn't today Monday?

Ban: It's  _ Sunday _ , you dumbass! [Punches Ginji over the head]

Ginji: Ow! Ban-chan! Not in front of the kids! It sets a bad example!

Eddy: Whatcha mean? I hit Ed all the time!

_To demonstrate this, Eddy takes a tennis racket from his pocket and smacks Ed over the back of his head with it. The racket breaks in half, but Ed seems un-phased. He stops crying and stands up._

Ed: [Staring at the car.] …. Punch buggy! Punch buggy white!

_Ed then punches Eddy in the side of his head, sending him flying off screen, screaming until he crashes into something._

Edd: Ed, please! I think Eddy's been hurt enough for one day! [Turns to address Ginji and Ban] My apologies, gentlmen, but you'll have to come back tomorrow if you wish to audition.

Ban: Tsk, all this way for nothin' The hell're we supposed to do anyway?!

Ginji: Ah, don't be so grumpy, Ban-chan! I'm sure we can find a nice hotel to sleep in or something!

Ban: [Rolls his eyes then walks back around the car and opens the driver's door] It better, we're already diggin' ourselves deeper with that loan we took from Hevan.

Ginji: [Also opening the door to the passenger seat] Don't worry, ol' buddy, I'm sure it'll all work out!

_Ginji and Ban both close the door to the car and Ed & Edd watch as Ban backs up before driving out of the Cul-de-sac and off screen. Eddy manages to drag himself back into the scene, now with a noticeable limp in his step and several knots protruding from his head._

_Eddy: Who the hell are those two anyway?_

_Edd: According to the file they're-_

_**Cut to static with text reading “Out of Tape”** _

 


End file.
